Category Archives: Uncategorized

Morning breakfast at Marvin’s in downtown Novato before going to the visitor center for Leadership work. Was expecting it to be packed since I left the house late due to daylights saving time, but it not packed at all. Guess I’m not the only one affected by the time change.

Sigh…I think I’m ready for my experiment in civic duty to be over. I am just not cut out for it. And not management material to my company, apparently. Depression talking but that’s what I feel. Wonder if this is going to turn into another Follett situation where we get bought out and I eventually get laid off. Wonder about that, but wonder if I will even make it to that point with the 2nd American Civil War looming in the back (more like middle) of my mind. Is it because I’m black that I fear it more than Barry does.

…but I wish I would have got her in this color.

I really should have got her in blue. Wondering if I’m cursed for getting black instead.

This is my “inception “, the central underlying thought in my head. Part of me thinks it is something that Suzanne implanted, although deep down I know it isn’t true. I do wonder where/how/when this thought buried and attached itself to my mind. Was it from something I read; something I heard in a movie or a song, Did I learn it from someone else? Being unable to love myself, it’s the reason I wanted to kill myself. If I can’t love anyone else because I can’t love myself, what’s the point of living. Wanted might not be the right word, as one secret is I always want to kill myself. I’ve just put up enough mental barriers up not to act on it anyone. But it’s the reason that I’ve withdrawn from almost everyone and everything. If I can’t love myself, no point in others trying to love me. I am the only one that can learn to love myself and it’s something only I can do; well obviously I can’t. It’s something I have to do myself and alone. If I am alone and push away any and all other distractions, I’ll have no choice but to focus on the issue at hand. How’s that going for me. In bed in the dark typing this out on my phone. ••sigh••. Maybe it’s time to stop looking for a truth that I will never be able to find and just sink into the lie; lie to myself that I’m happy until I just blissfully believe I’m the lie. If you believe that the lie is the truth, eventually does it become the truth? If it works for Trump and MAGA…

Another lonely night waking up at 3am in the morning. Actually I guess 2am. Going to bed early is not helping at all.

Once again I succumb to boredom and logged onto Instagram. I don’t know why since I can barely see anything on my phone at night. But enough to cut at my mind once again. Seeing her happy puts a smile on my face, even as my mind cries out in pain.

It’s supposed to be cuffing season, right? And yet here I am in my bed, longing to hold someone and keep them warm at night.

I guess I should be happy that I still can feel, even if it’s negative feelings. I don’t want the soullessness on being on Prozac (or was it ability) but would it be any worse than the place I am at now?

I should try to go back to sleep and to my dreams and memories. Frayed at the edges, but still enough to calm and soothe the soul.

The solitude, the social uprooting, it consumes you. Or, to put it a better way, you eat—you down nutrients—but you consume yourself.”

https://apple.news/AaENRkTbKRUqrsZVX8c3X1Q

I really should call mom, but my thoughts, stubbornness, and fear once again gets in my way. I tell myself that there was a time when I wasn’t like this, but it’s hard to remember when. Like I’ve make this thought up and I’m gaslighting myself somehow. Hopefully I can get some answers today; though it will probably lead to more questions.

Luckily, I don’t have to pay mom’s cleaning fee for the old place, so my upcoming tax refund is safe. Wonder if I should use it all on the Apple Card, or wait for my bonus to pay the card off. Or just say fuck it to everything and start planning a trip to Singapore to see Eric and the fam.

Going back to mom, I could wait for Eric to come back out here. We definitely have to deal with the situation that we should have dealt with years ago.

So issue with the financing for the new car (approved but not eligible for membership to the credit union) so I had to come in and redo the contract with Hyundai financing. Blah. The interest and payments went up a bit but are still manageable. It actually works out so that the monthly payment isn’t at the end of the month with rent.

I probably should have bitched more or tried to get some kind of upgrade out of it. Maybe get the blue one or goto the limited and get the sunroof and the parking assist. But if they can program the nfc card for me, that will be enough.

Still no name for the Tucson yet, but it will have a name. Can I name it Vanessa like the other cars I named in the past?

With the weather, glad that Eric got me the mats for the car. The cargo cover should arrive today. After that, I think the car will be complete. Maybe some under seat lighting on the inside. Maybe seat and steering wheel covers. Hmm, maybe.