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Sitting in my car eating some gelato after eating alone at Panera and shopping alone at Ross listening to Blink182 (the sad song; or the other sad song depending on which one you think is the saddest). Are the tears the pain and realization of being alone. Or are they tears of joy for the gelato, which I have to say is really, really good.

I really want to drive to the beach and just keep on driving into the ocean; just drive forever. But I have laundry to put away and a bed that needs to be made…so maybe next time.

But 70 minutes for a dryer at the laundromat seems a bit excessive

I suppose I was a fool to believe that I would be worthy of forgiveness. Repercussions of my actions; make my bed and all that. Still, it hurts and proves to the voices that they were right; that I was truly a fool to think and believe.

But enough of cycling between crying and distracting. Hunger is the one sensation I can’t fight. If only I could only be a depressed starving person instead of filling the hole with food. I tell myself that it’s better than alcohol or drugs, but I wonder if it is really.

If I could just cross that line of lying to myself that I’m happy and believe it. Why can’t I just jump into the gaping hole and let the lie just wash over and consume me?

I’m tired of the alien larva that is gestating in my left eyeball twitching all the time. Just pop out and devour me already.

Stopped by Stonestown Galleria on the way home. It has changed so much from when I was at SF State or even before I left for Washington in 2014. Wow 10 years. But it still has the vibe of yesteryear with a mix of high schoolers, college couples, moms, and elderly Asians weaving in and out of the stores and each other.

If I’m upset about people ghosting me, why did I ghost people. Is the reason the same? Do they have the same depressive thoughts that I have and feel unworthy of friendship and love?

I thought I would stay away from the alcohol after the hangover I got from the presidential debate.

But this nomination speech is just painful while I’m sober.

Playing a drinking game during the presidential debate probably wasn’t the best ideal. I am going to pay tomorrow at work.