How do I love myself without being dependent on others was the original question. Additionally, how do I do it without being toxic to myself and others. Isolating myself solves the toxic and the dependent aspects. That leaves the loving myself part of the equation to solve. Taking my life is not the answer, even if it is a viable solution to the problem (Love myself – myself = love). Taking love out leaves myself but what is myself? I need to define who I am and what is love. No, love has a definition I need to define myself, but how does someone go about doing this. **sigh** I think that is enough night philosophizing for me. Should try to get my remaining your or two of sleep.
I have switched protocols for the TMS treatment. Before, if was a rapid sets of “dots” from the magnetic wand and the treatment would last 3-5 minutes. There was times when it was slightly uncomfortable. There would be a mild pain behind my left eye if the wand was a bit off from the target. And making sure I didn’t bite my tongue off from the involuntary movement of my jaw.
But I didn’t notice any changes, so I was switch to a “dash” protocol. It’s a longer session at 18-20 minutes, which I don’t mind at all. More justified in driving 20 minutes from work to the hospital for 20 minutes of work than just 5 minutes. The treatment sounds like a woodpecker is hitting my head, but I don’t feel much at all.
Not sure what I’m supposed to do in the chair with the extra time. The doctors think I’m sleeping or meditating. Actually, I’ve been trying to think happy thoughts, hoping that it will help the magnetic pulses get the nerve cells stimulated and moving again. But it’s so hard; there are so few vivid memories that I trust were happy memories. It’s more of seeing shapes and outlines in the fog with me trying to piece together what I’m looking at.
I went online looking for experiences from other people. This link to an article best describes the process in going through. At the end, the person only got a little relief from it. And that seems to be the takeaway from a few other POV articles I read. Trying to not get my hopes down, but I was definitely hoping that there would be some significant change in my mood by now. One doctor did bring up Ketamine as an option if TMS doesn’t work. To be honest, I would rather try ECT and just get fully zapped. I would think that I would feel something even if I’m sedated.
If nothing else this should be a neutral day. No work and I have float therapy and StretchLab tonight, so the pain and stress in my body will at least go away for a few days.
Reading an article about the CEO killer and I realize that spun the right way, I have a similar MO to Luigi and other killers if the press start looking at my blogs. Guess I should post more memes and kitten/puppy pictures.
For Taurus, 2025 is all about personal development and emotional healing. This year, you’ll find yourself exploring new hobbies and interests.
These ventures will not only provide joy but also help heal past wounds. The universe nudges you to open up emotionally, forging deeper connections with loved ones.
As you nurture your inner self, your external relationships will blossom. Remember, growth often requires stepping out of your comfort zone. Trust the process and let go of past grievances for a brighter tomorrow.
I am the toxic one. The closer someone gets to me, the more toxic I become. And what do you do with something toxic? You isolate it from the nontoxic and kill it.
If you spent the past year developing a cozy, predictable routine, 2025 will be about shaking things up, stepping out, and getting more involved in your community. According to Goicuria, your ruling planet Venus will go retrograde this year — and that means you’ll want to expand your focus.
Make it your resolution to see friends more often instead of canceling at the last second in favor of staying home. And while you’re at it, why not see what’s going on in your community?
“Signing up to mentor or volunteer your time to a cause that is important to you will be a productive use of your time and also help to center you in a feeling of gratitude and connection to a greater purpose outside of yourself,” she says.
Can’t find the article where I saw this, but it basically describes what I’ve been doing for years; or at least what I believe I’ve been doing. Walking away from family and friends to reflect and discover who I am and what my purpose is. To find my spirituality and to hear God. To pick a direction, a goal, a belief, a value and to start moving towards it. Something that I need to do and discover on my own, so I could stand on my own. To be equal to my friends and family, not the one weighing them down.
But all I have accomplished is to be lost in the desert for 40 years. That’s how long the Israeli were in the desert, right? If I think about it that way, I still have at least 10 more years before I will be able to leave this self inflicted desert I’ve put myself in. Although if I follow the narrative, I need to accept the suffering that God is giving me; be thankful and happy for it. That might really be the question I’m looking for. I’ve accepted that I will always be suffering, but how do I learn to enjoy the suffering. How does one become a…sadist, masocist? I always forget which is which.
To be honest, I am probably too scared to really see/hear/feel the answer in front of me. Instead of getting to the point of quietness to hear, I fill the void with noise. Whether it’s music or games or videos
About halfway through the treatment and no change that I can see or feel. Next week I’ll be switching to a different protocol which is a less intense, but longer session. But I wonder why they have to lower the intensity. Keep it at the same intensity or crank it up. I want to be Frankenstein on the surgery table with a wire that goes up the roof and wait for a lighting bolt to zap the shit out of me.
I really should be enjoying this waffle and bacon at this roadside diner. But instead, just being salty at all the couples being couples right now. So much for having a positive attitude. Should have ate out in the cold to match my cold, cold heart.
So Vanessa turned 10000 miles last week. A little over a month shy of when I first got her at the Vallejo Hyundai dealership. I wasn’t even planning on getting a Hyundai, I had my eyes set on a Mitsubishi Outlander Plug In hybrid. I had test drove one a few months ago and apart for the tiny steering wheel, I was almost set on buying one. Just trying to decide if I would go up a model to get the fast charging or not. The fact that the nearest dealer was in San Francisco was an issue, but I wanted to go back to Mitsubishi since I missed my Lancer.
Anyway, I don’t even remember how Hyundai came into the picture, but I thought I would go and just take a look at one for shits & giggles. Dealing with the salesman was annoying, but I was impressed with the test drive, the internet rate was…not criminal. And the dealer got Honda to pay me $500 when I turned in my lease.
So Vanessa is great for the most part. The plug-in feature has been great, esp since I live so close to work and charging is free. Even if I was still commuting from Vacaville, plugging in would help save gas. I’ve gone 1.5 months without having to gas up. Even if I have to goto SF for work, by time I’m done, I’ve used less than a gallon of gas round trip. And she can be pretty zippy when she needs to be. It’s also nice sitting a little higher in traffic compared to my previous cars. The app is nice where I can warm up or cool the inside before I step out the house or work. Vanessa is roomy in the back seats and trunk space. Having SiriusXM is nice when I’m driving in the back roads and don’t have cell coverage for Apple CarPlay.
But with the good, there are some bad notes. Like the fact that I broke the chain and got her in black instead of keeping with tradition and getting a blue color. I thought I was breaking out of my comfort zone but did not realize just how many SUV are black and look the same. The 1st three months I kept on trying to open doors to the wrong car because they all look the same. Vanessa is def a basic bitch compared to her ancestors.
What else? The app is good, when you have cell phone coverage. Locking myself out of Vanessa and I couldn’t remote open because I didn’t have cell signal. With my boss, it was def an embarrassing moment. Finding charging options are still tricky, even in the Bay Area; I am insanely jealous of the Tesla charging stations and wish I could use them. I have 4-5 charging apps that I have to cycle through depending on where I can charge. The Vallejo Hyundai dealer is another sore spot. Misinformation about what Vanessa can and can’t do, ignoring my phone calls, and totally fucking up my financing among other things. At this point, I goto Santa Rosa for service. Even though it is out of the way for me, the service is 10x better. A few other minor things, like why have wireless phone charging, but not have wireless CarPlay/Andriod Auto?
But all in all it’s been a great first year with Vanessa. She been able to handle the day to day and also the longer trips. She def put on the miles when Debbie/Noah were here in the summer. She can handle trips up/down the coast and up 121 from Napa through Berryessa to Vacaville/Winters. I do think I need to get her some exterior accessories to make her a bit less basic and to differentiate her from the other SUVs. Hopefully smooth sailing for Vanessa in our 2nd year of being together.
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