https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walkabout
Can’t find the article where I saw this, but it basically describes what I’ve been doing for years; or at least what I believe I’ve been doing. Walking away from family and friends to reflect and discover who I am and what my purpose is. To find my spirituality and to hear God. To pick a direction, a goal, a belief, a value and to start moving towards it. Something that I need to do and discover on my own, so I could stand on my own. To be equal to my friends and family, not the one weighing them down.
But all I have accomplished is to be lost in the desert for 40 years. That’s how long the Israeli were in the desert, right? If I think about it that way, I still have at least 10 more years before I will be able to leave this self inflicted desert I’ve put myself in. Although if I follow the narrative, I need to accept the suffering that God is giving me; be thankful and happy for it. That might really be the question I’m looking for. I’ve accepted that I will always be suffering, but how do I learn to enjoy the suffering. How does one become a…sadist, masocist? I always forget which is which.
To be honest, I am probably too scared to really see/hear/feel the answer in front of me. Instead of getting to the point of quietness to hear, I fill the void with noise. Whether it’s music or games or videos
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