…obviously, will lose twenty pounds.

I feel like I always started end of year/new years post with this line. (I’ll have to do a search later). Still doesn’t mean it’s not true.

But that right there is my year summed up; doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Using the same techniques, habits, and techniques to try and find the answer to a question that I’m basing my existence on. Not finding that answer and pushing everything and everyone away. Shoutout to those family and friends that have pushed back and continue to try to pull me out of the quicksand of despair that I’m in. Like that time I was drowning in the kiddie pool (I was pretty drunk…). Maybe I am drowning in a pool of childish thoughts, feelings and emotions. Buy too drunk to even realize that I’m just in a kiddie pool.

I’m sure there are high points for me this year. Reconnecting with Dan/Jen; Completing Leadership Novato; hosting the family visit to the Bay Area. But within that light, I still am drawn to stare and focus on the darkness of the year. Missed opportunities and frustrations at work, the failure of the TMS therapy, the increasing debt of trying to fill the hole in myself, the self inflicted loneliness, the constant longing for ghosts of the past, the search for a reason to live, the constant struggle of fighting the thoughts in my head, and the continual weight gain (hence the Bridget Jones quote).

Should I just give up on loving myself? Find a Ne-Yo to love me until I can learn to love myself. Have someone control me and make all of my decisions until I am able to do it myself. Give up my free will and free thought; to be blissfully ignorant and unaware.

While that would be nice, it’s probably not the answer (along with ending my life). Would a shock to the system work? It’s why I wanted to do ECT. I need to jump out of an airplane, get into an accident like a car crash, have a stroke (again), get tased, some kind of hard reset of my body, mind, and soul. That’s probably what exercising is supposed to do, but for me I just get angry at everyone and myself. While it is a change in emotion, not the one I want. Although, at this point I should just see where the anger takes me. It can’t be worse than the place I’m at now.

So here I am un my cold house laying in the dark wrapped up in my blankets wallowing away. I could be with friends, or with the crowds in the city, or at the coast. But I chose this instead. Did I do this last year? Will I do it again next year? Will I find the answer to the question I am searching for? Will I give up (again) see which bridges I can rebuild, and which ones are burnt beyond repair (again)? Will I finally ask my friends for help, admitting that I can’t do it alone? Will I just smile and lie, forcing the darkness even further down until I believe the lie and am happy? I don’t know, but something has to change, somewhere and somehow.

But the most important question is, will I lose the twenty pounds, *obviously*

Happy New Year