Monthly Archives: December 2024

• I am toxic
• I do not love myself
• I am dependent on others

How do I love myself without being dependent on others was the original question. Additionally, how do I do it without being toxic to myself and others. Isolating myself solves the toxic and the dependent aspects. That leaves the loving myself part of the equation to solve. Taking my life is not the answer, even if it is a viable solution to the problem (Love myself – myself = love). Taking love out leaves myself but what is myself? I need to define who I am and what is love. No, love has a definition I need to define myself, but how does someone go about doing this. **sigh** I think that is enough night philosophizing for me. Should try to get my remaining your or two of sleep.

I have switched protocols for the TMS treatment. Before, if was a rapid sets of “dots” from the magnetic wand and the treatment would last 3-5 minutes. There was times when it was slightly uncomfortable. There would be a mild pain behind my left eye if the wand was a bit off from the target. And making sure I didn’t bite my tongue off from the involuntary movement of my jaw.

But I didn’t notice any changes, so I was switch to a “dash” protocol. It’s a longer session at 18-20 minutes, which I don’t mind at all. More justified in driving 20 minutes from work to the hospital for 20 minutes of work than just 5 minutes. The treatment sounds like a woodpecker is hitting my head, but I don’t feel much at all.

Not sure what I’m supposed to do in the chair with the extra time. The doctors think I’m sleeping or meditating. Actually, I’ve been trying to think happy thoughts, hoping that it will help the magnetic pulses get the nerve cells stimulated and moving again. But it’s so hard; there are so few vivid memories that I trust were happy memories. It’s more of seeing shapes and outlines in the fog with me trying to piece together what I’m looking at.

I went online looking for experiences from other people. This link to an article best describes the process in going through. At the end, the person only got a little relief from it. And that seems to be the takeaway from a few other POV articles I read. Trying to not get my hopes down, but I was definitely hoping that there would be some significant change in my mood by now. One doctor did bring up Ketamine as an option if TMS doesn’t work. To be honest, I would rather try ECT and just get fully zapped. I would think that I would feel something even if I’m sedated.

If nothing else this should be a neutral day. No work and I have float therapy and StretchLab tonight, so the pain and stress in my body will at least go away for a few days.

Reading an article about the CEO killer and I realize that spun the right way, I have a similar MO to Luigi and other killers if the press start looking at my blogs. Guess I should post more memes and kitten/puppy pictures.

For Taurus, 2025 is all about personal development and emotional healing. This year, you’ll find yourself exploring new hobbies and interests.

These ventures will not only provide joy but also help heal past wounds. The universe nudges you to open up emotionally, forging deeper connections with loved ones.

As you nurture your inner self, your external relationships will blossom. Remember, growth often requires stepping out of your comfort zone. Trust the process and let go of past grievances for a brighter tomorrow.

I am the toxic one. The closer someone gets to me, the more toxic I become. And what do you do with something toxic? You isolate it from the nontoxic and kill it.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

“I’ll get more involved.”

If you spent the past year developing a cozy, predictable routine, 2025 will be about shaking things up, stepping out, and getting more involved in your community. According to Goicuria, your ruling planet Venus will go retrograde this year — and that means you’ll want to expand your focus.

Make it your resolution to see friends more often instead of canceling at the last second in favor of staying home. And while you’re at it, why not see what’s going on in your community?

“Signing up to mentor or volunteer your time to a cause that is important to you will be a productive use of your time and also help to center you in a feeling of gratitude and connection to a greater purpose outside of yourself,” she says.