Have you ever had a lover you wanted to break up with but keep as a friend? Or perhaps as a casual sexual partner? Oh boy, I change question books and this is the first question I get. God, fate, or karma truly has a sense of humor. I don’t think that I’ve had a lover that I wanted to keep has a friend. Scratch that, I did with Suzanne at one point with the breakup we had in our relationship. But we always got back together. I guess for me, I wish Suzanne would have kept me has a friend after she broke up with me. That has been one of the big things that I could not…resolve within myself; the lost of even friendship with Suzanne. Part of it was that I was able to salvage my friendship with my previous girlfriends, Kathy and April. There is some distance between us, but I know if they were to reach out if they needed me I would be there, and vice versa (I hope).
Brent and Teresa already at this point with me, being a friend and casual sexual partner although we have never been officially together. With Brent, this is the furthest that I would ever go. I still believe that our mental illnesses would in the end destroy either of us or the both of us together if we were to commit to each other. I’m sure that others would argue otherwise with this belief, but it’s what I believe and feel in my heart, and I don’t think it could be changed. We can continue to be friends and I think with our illnesses, I can relate to some things that other people couldn’t. And I won’t ignore that the sex with him is wonderful. I mean I have truly experienced la petite mort and seen the gates of heaven with him. But it’s still not enough for me to move on to something more with him.
With Teresa, I am at the opposite end of this question, being the person that is a friend and a casual sexual partner. Which I don’t mind either…or I guess I’ve accepted the position that I’m in with her. Like with Brent, the sex has also been wonderful. I love playing on her body, teasing and tasting the various parts. Getting her juices flowing as they say. I never though that I would be into sexting, but now I need to apologize to the citizens of Whisper for my mistake. And she has awaken parts of me that I have forgotten existed or have locked away behind the mental walls that I have built around my psyche to protect myself. But I can’t ignore the feeling that she is hiding me. She says that she doesn’t want people in her business. But she is a sherif’s officer and the police department around the country have been circling the wagons. Would dating a black man cause her trouble and grief with her coworkers? Or is it that I’m not built like a police officer (whatever that means). It could just be that she is seeing other guys and want to keep everything separate. Or I could be the side guy. I have all of these theories floating in my head, but it could just be that she is a private person and wants to keep it that way. So I’ll just keep those thoughts locked up in a pen in my psyche and let them run around there, and herd them back in when they get loose. And just enjoy my time, friendship, and (her) body with Teresa.
