Monthly Archives: September 2004

So my Psychologist, Dr. Grace is leaving and now I am being switched to a new person that I just got off the phone with. I have to wait one month for an appointment and she just rushed through everything. I have this feeling that this experiment in psychology has failed for me. If the drugs don’t work and the theropy doesn’t work, then what else is there for me to do?

I just spent 10 minutes fighting with myself over should I go and read Suzanne’s journal. 10 minutes of holding my mouse arm frigid and having my fingers tighten and press down hard on the mouse has I fought against myself. And then I cried.
In a way, I am happy that I started crying, has it proves that I still have a heart and can still feel emotions. And yet the pain that is still in my heart, along with the loneliness and the sorrow. I still miss her so much. I don’t know what to do. Too scared to go on with my life, to scared to end my life.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/09/06/MNG1Q8KH2C1.DTL
I think that this is my biggest fear, that I will slip so far into my depression and psychosis that I will end up on the street and going in and out of SF General. One of the reasons that I don’t like to go into the city is that I get a glimpse of the homeless people; the ones with mental problems. I see them and I do like everyone else and ignore them or step over them or around them. But always in the back of my mind, I know that I am just a couple of steps from being one of them. One of the people that is ignored, one that is stepped over, or walked around of. I am swimming out in a storm with a life preserver around me. However, I can’t get back in the boat. My friends, my family, and even God can’t pull me back into the boat. And I don’t have the strength to pull myself back into the boat. The best I can do is hold on and try to stay afloat. But how long can I just stay afloat before I tire and sink into the waters.
The double dose of prozac is working, although with it’s own side effects. I haven’t had a suicidal thought for awhile now. And I think that I handled the stress of Back-To-School better than I thought I would, esp. with Mark leaving the way he did. However, it’s coming to the point where I just don’t care about anything at all. I mean, before I would feel depressed and sad missing my friends and doing what I am doing. Now, I’m at the point where I don’t care anymore. The same with work; before work was the one of the few things that kept me connected with the rest of the world. I mean it was hard for me to get out of bed, but once I was there I became connected with it. The best way to describe it is that before, I would go through the motions of work, dinner, relax, and sleep, but in my mind I would be wrestling with my thoughts and depression. Now I am just catonic(sp?) and am literally, just going through the motions. I have no feeling for anything anymore. Even this entry right that I am typing now, I’ve had to really force myself to do it. IT’s not if I want to do it or not, I just don’t care. I’ve lost all of my feelings both good or bad. I feel like I’m dictating this entry somewhere in the back of my mind.
What I really feel like…not feel like. Hmm…I am trapped in my own mind in a prison of my own making. Every once in awhile, I get a glimpse of the world outside the prison and I some how smuggle a message to the outside world. A birthday message here, a donation there, a misdialed number. But these instances are always quick and I’m always sent back to my prison cell.

Taken from Angie’s Xanga
In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question, “What kind of man are you looking for?” She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking.
“Do you really want to know?” Reluctantly, he said, “Yes.” She began to expound…
As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can’t do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man…or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, “What can you bring to the table?”
The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.
She quickly corrected his thought and stated, “I am not referring to money. I need something more.”
I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life.
He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.
She said, “I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don’t need a simple-minded man.”
I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don’t need to be unequally yoked; because believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.
I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don’t need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.
I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive…he just has to be worthy.
God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself.
When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled
look on his face. He said, “You’re asking a lot.”
She replied, “I’m worth a lot.”
Send this to every woman who’s worth a lot and every man who needs to know that.