Monthly Archives: October 2003

Why is it when I know I don’t have any money is when I get the urge to go shopping. And when I do have money and try to spend it, I can’t.

Website is coming along somewhat. Trying to keep the momentum going. Who know, maybe I’ll be done by the end of the month or something.

Anyway, what do I want. I want a new cell phone via AT&T online (they have instant rebates as oppose to mail in). Also want a new computer, or at least a quieter case. I want ice cream and cookies and cereal. I want a gym membership that I will rarely use. I want a new video card so that I can hook up my PS2 to my monitor and play DDR (Although it would probably be easier and cheaper just to buy a TV.)

Yawn….should get to sleep. Have to go in and talk to Brian in the afternoon.

had another “Suzanne attack” today. It didn’t last as long, or at least I don’t think it did. I have never been good with time. I wonder how long this will last, the breaking of my heart. Actually, it’s more of a passing curiosity about it. I think that I am resigned to the fact that I will always have this pain.

I know, over dramatic.

However, I never went through this with April. Oh, I pined over her and the lost and all. Drove all my friends crazy and filled journals up with my thoughts. And there was that night that Shawn stopped me, I was really fucked up then. But this is so different. All it takes is to go one wrong way down my path of memories, and then the sharp pain attacks my heart. And I can feel my heart being torn in two. I can actually feel my heart breaking. A year later, and my heart is still torn and wounded.

I wonder how she does it? I guess it helps to have a replacement.

But to go back to the heart breaking and all, I think I’ve just accepted the fact that it will always be this way. That at anytime that I think about her, there is the chance that I will go down the wrong path and the pain will return.

I guess it isn’t the worng path. I shouldn’t call it that. I guess it’s more that the memories become too painful for my heart to hold. Yes, more painful, not too full. I will never have enough memories. And yet, there will always be enough memories to haunt/tease me.

**sigh** Maybe I should just, yeah, exactly.

I have too much stuff going on and not enough money to deal with it. The main thing is that I have to goto the dentist soon. My teeth are just killing me, and it’s not even that serious now. I know that they are going to get worse. However, With all the other bills I have, I really don’t want to tack on a $2000 dentist bill onto my debt load. Well, I don’t know if it will be $2000, but I’m not expecting it to be cheap. Anyway, there are too many other things I have to do. Need to get tickets for Thanksgiving and Xmas to see the family, and Xmas presents. Then I’m going to the Ren Faire this Sat; want to go Sunday but I am being considerate/chickenshit by going Sat. Of course I have to get a costume if I am going to goto the faire. Then the next weekend I have to goto the pleasure party/BBQ/dinner in Vacaville. I swore to Lesa that I wouldn’t miss it and I get to meet Kiera(?). And on top of all of this I need to buy food and gas.

I really should have turned that application in to Ross/gone 2nd job hunting.

Anyway. Let me pay the bills and see what I have left. Then I can try to figure out just how much food I can afford to live on for the next 2 weeks.

Oh yeah, almost forgot about the two parking tickets. The city one I can wait to pay has already gone up to $55 I think. The school one is at $55 right now and goes up to $70 after the 24th. Fuck. Fuck is what I say.

partial recap of me in my car driving home from work:
So if you go
You should know
It’s hard to just forget the past to pass
It was good, it was bad
WHY ARE YOU BRAKING!?!?! THERE ISN’T A CAR IN FRONT OF YOU!?!?
You can run, you can hide
But you can’t escape my love
ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID!??! WHY ARE YOU BRAKING?!?! WHY ARE YOU EVEN ON THE FUCKING ROAD?!?!
Stupid person in Mustang who didn’t know how to drive drove me crazy. Sorry, if you are in a Mustang, you need to know how to drive, no questions about it.
And yes, I was singing Enrique Iglesias…

Horrible Monday topped off by the damage that I did to my car. Went into Jack in the Box to get a free Breakfast Jack for breakfast. Not going to go into the story of hiring people who can’t read, but when I get to my car I find it out almost in the street. Apparently, the Jack in the Box parking lot is on a slight
slope and I forgot to put on my emergency break, so the car rolled back and not there are some scratches on the back bumper. 🙁 sad
Joe.

**sigh** Where is my time machine when I need it.

These are some of the search terms that brought up my site.

pictures naked or nude or butt or breast survivor pearl island? wtf?

Yeah, I’m working on a new site design. And also somewhat hiding from the rest of the world. Maybe not hiding from the world, just from journaling. Anyway, I think it would be best if you just turned around and left. Not going to kill myself. Will let you know when the site is back up/

[Listening to: Boys to Men [Remixed Version] – New Edition – Greatest Hits, Vol. 1 (05:49)]

When you goto Safeway looking for some mash potatoes w/gravy, and they don’t have it, so you get the potato salad with bacon. Cause hey, it’s still potatos; and it has bacon in it too.

Don’t. Just don’t do it.

Go to the vegetable section and get the potatoes along with the milk, salt, and other seasoning you want in it. If you are lazy get the instant stuff. Or drive back a mile to KFC and get some there. But don’t settle for the potato salad with bacon.

I knew I should have gotten the steak-cut fries instead.

**sigh** At least I only got a 1/2 pound, and not the full pound that I was planning on getting.

Yuck, I can actually feel it moving in my stomach; any minute, it is going to pop out of my stomach and look at me a.k.a. Aliens style.

And I can’t goto the bathroom cause the cleaning girl is here.

Oh yeah, I’m officially going to be sick now.

Still, there might be time to save this. Wonder if I could make it to Nations or Baker’s Square in time to get some pie?