Monthly Archives: September 2003

[Listening to: Out Of Nowhere – Gloria Estefan – Greatest Hits, Vol. 2 (03:44)]
2 days until the season premiere of Angel.

God, it has been awhile since I’ve gotten this interested in a TV. series. I hope this season is a good one.

[Listening to: Lil’ Jack Slade – Dixie Chicks – Home (02:24
Kiesha has left the room, and now I have my bed back to myself.

Anyway, took a stroll around the neighborhood. Went down to the beach where the view was beautiful. The moon is up in the sky in quarter, the starts are out in the sky, and in the distance, the fog plays on the surface of the ocean. I even saw the Big Dipper in the sky. Well, I think it was the Big Dipper; I seem to remember getting into an argument with Steve Madonna about this topic at one time. I thought that the sand would still have some heat, so I walked barefoot in the sand. I was wrong, but is felt good all the same. Only a few fires on the beach tonight, since this is a
school night. On the weekend, it is a completely different story, has the beach is just littered with bonfires. I tried to take a picture once, but it didn’t come out.

Headed up to the shopping center and to Starbucks, where I got my Vanilla Creme frap (which I am slowly
becoming addicted to.) Was reminded of several things, like I need to goto Payless and get another pair of shoes, since my Payless brand Sketchers sneakers are worn. Also could just another pair of work shoes. And then I need to fill out my Ross application and turn that in. Also need to get an application from
Radio shack and Cingular.

Anyway, I am home now. I should be cleaning my room and putting my clothes away. However, like Amy, I am feeling a slight creative burst, and I think that I am going to work on the site design. Got some ideas in my head and in my written journal that might be ready to come out.

[Listening to: Kick – INXS – Shine Like It Does: The Anthology (1979-1997) Disc 2 (03:15)]
So a pen leaked in the dryer and left spots all over the dryer. I guess the spots were deep enough because there was blue spots on Barbara’s sheets
when she went to dry then. So I got some Acetone to clean the spots; 15 min, later I am light headed and passed out on my bed.

Feeling a little better. Going to goto Starbucks and get a frappuchino. Kiesha (the cat) is laying on my bed.
However she just kinda blends in with all of the clothes that are on it.

Would have gotten a better image, but my batteries need to recharge

What is the purpose of life?

Yes this is going to be one of those kind of journal entries.

It seems that there are two points. or possibilities. Well, their might be more, but I am going to focus on two of them.

There is the one point that we are searching for a dream. That we are trying to work our way out of the harsh reality that is life to reach a point, or a goal, of where we are living in the dreams that we have. We play the lottery in hopes that we can win and live out our fantasies. We goto school in hopes of getting a career/job doing something that we really like. We loose weight in hopes that our Prince Charming will come on his white horse and sweep up away.

**total side trip. Talking with Angie at the balcony of the Cheesecake Factory that’s located at Union Square at the top of Macy’s. Anyway, across the street is Tiffany’s and one of Angie’s lottery fantasies is to march into the store just wearing some PJ’s and a bath robe and just start shopping. When the clerk comes up to escort her out, she just start pulling out wads of cash from her robe. Great fantasy**

Then there is the other coin, that we are living in The Matrix, just sleepwalking our way through life. Trapped in a dream, or I guess nightmare and we are looking for a way to break out of the haze we are in. Looking to be awake for the first time, or to awaken again to the person that we were before we got trapped in our life.

Not sure where I am in regards to these two theories. On the one hand, I have def. woken up from the dream that I was in, living within that moment of perfectness and happiness. That moment is gone and I have been jettison back into the waking world. On the other hand, the life that I am living now feels like I am just going through the motions. Day in and day out the same thing. I long to break out of the sleep that has taken over my body and mind. However, all of my attempts so far have failed.

So here I am, neither living in the world of my dreams nor being alive and awake in the world that I’m in. Question is where do I go from here.

[Listening to: Cut Here – The Cure – Greatest Hits (04:11
once again my finances have taken a hit because of this weekend. I still might have enough to get
the case though. Will have to delete my register in Quicken and start all over though.

BTW, this is the quiet case that I want. My old case sounds like a
vacuum cleaner or something.

[Listening to: Cut Here – The Cure – Greatest Hits (04:11
I hate the fact that I need an outside stimulus in order for me to be more outgoing.

Only by being blitzed out of my mind do I have the nerve to go up to someone else and to start talking to them. At the Redeye, it was with this black girl. Of course I forgot her name, but she had a
mesmerizing quality to her. She was def. unique out of all the other girls that were there.

And then today, after leaving the ball game I was buzzed enough to hit on this girl outside the Academy of Art. I didn’t hit on her, I was just checking her out hard, according to Joy.

Both instances were alcohol induced. If I had a wish, I think that instead of wishing for health or money, I would wish for the ability to
talk to complete strangers. And it’s not just in clubs or out in public; even online, I am loathe to talk to strangers on IM or in forums. Amy, you are a complete fluke that I started talking to you and we became friends. It is so unlike me.

So how do I develop the ability to talk to people without resorting to drugs or alcohol? Better yet, how do I sleep in my bed with all of my clothes on top of it?

[Listening to: God Don’t Make Lonely Girls – The Wallflowers – Bringing Down the Horse (04:49)]
The best part of this weekend had to be the dump that I just took. Man, talk about some nice and fresh manure
coming out of my ass. It felt good, esp. since I had to hold it from Mission Street.

So I head to my local WaMu branch and of course, I now have money in my account. So I get some out and head to BART. The thing that sucked was that I had to pay for parking again cause somebody took my spot. If they would have parked one space over, I could have reused that spot (the parking fee is for 24hrs,) Boarded BART and headed downtown and maybe I was a little tired, but I swear I didn’t hear the driver call my stop. Anyway, the next thing I know I am on my way to Oakland. Had to get off in West Oakland and catch a train back to S.F.

Eventually make my way to Pac Bell Park (Soon to be SBC Park, complete with LA Dodger Blue/white colors. 😛 )Met up with Amber, Rob, and Juan. Had a great time watching the
Giants clobber the Dodgers in the last game. Found out that they price drinks by the shot at the club level at Pac Bell i.e. the Mudslide on the rocks that I wanted would have
cost me $25. Amber got liquored up and still beat me going down the slides at the park.

Afterward went to the Academy of Art to meet up with Angie and Joy. Joy had to work, so Angie and I headed to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I have to say that the place lived up to the wait and to the hype, because the food was great (had Chicken and biscuits). Too full for cheesecake though; will get some next time. After that, we headed to Angie’s suite at the Renaissance Parc 55. OMG, talk about a room with a view. I have pictures; am going to try and piece together a
panoramic.

Left Angie’s early cause of my stomach and the fact that my body is tired. Alright, I really didn’t want to drop my bomb in her hotel room with her cousin’s on their way to the room. Hopefully the bathroom will clear up in an hour, cause I think that there is a 2nd run
coming.

– Money deposited into bank. Yay!

-Took BART to club; got in for free cause I was early.

-Didn’t know anyone at the club for 30-45min. Had 3 drinks.

-Angie and cousins show up. Yay! Had more drinks.

-Me (fucked up, but not showing) taking care of Angie (even more fucked up)

-Decide to leave before BART closes. CARD IS DECLINED w/$50 Bar Tab!?!?!

-Luckily, one of Angie’s cousins get the bill for me, I owe her big time.

-Somehow I escape to club and get myself lost trying to find a Washington Mutual.

-Find WaMU and find out that I am -$40!?!?!?

-Get even more lost trying to find club where Angie is at.

-Luckily I have $10 in pocket to catch BART home.

– Except that BART closes at 1AM, not 2Am on Sat.

-Wander the Tenderloin trying to find Polly Esters

-Find Polly Esters and get in cause I know the Bartender and the bar back.

-Hang out at Polly Esters for 4hrs. sobering up and watching white people who can’t dance.

-Spent hour mesmerizes by HOT lady with legs up to here and this much of a skirt on shake her thing on a table.

-Regret not going out and buying camera phone.

-Watch guys play great card game for an hour

-Get taken back to my car by Peter

-Get home at 5am

-sleep

-get up at 11 and rush out the door to watch Giants last game.

-praying that there is money in my bank account

-praying that I don’t throw up.

Got my 2nd wind (1st wind actually) with the help of some caffeine, some food, and a shower. Headed off to the Red Eye (I think) on Mission for Angie’s B-day.

Also got a call from Amber W. inviting me to the last Giants game. It’s her birthday weekend also. So no
Fog fest for me this year. Maybe next year.

O.K. I am already sweating, so off I go.

Was suppose to goto the Dragon Boat races today at Lake Merced. However, did not have the energy or drive to
leave the house today.

Lesa also called me; they are organizing a last minute BBQ at Barry/Gabi’s. This is the one that they were suppose to have a week ago and two weeks ago. If I didn’t have Angie’s Birthday party to goto, I might have forced myself to go.

I can’t miss Angie’s party, regardless of how I feel.

Also resisting the urge to go and buy stuff to make me happy and to cheer me up. Again, thoughts of a Nokia 3650 camera phone dance in my head. Computer parts are also dancing in my head. I might break down and get the silent case next week and just transport my stuff from the old case to the new case. Or maybe not.

This isn’t even a Suzanne-induced gloom, although has always, she is on my mind. No this is just a natural case of depression that people get. Depression is a natural
occurrence, regardless of what the drug companies want to tell you.

Or is it this wrong? Maybe we are suppose to be happy all the time. Maybe I do need to be shot up with drugs. Maybe I need a
lobotomy (sp?). Maybe I just need to stick a wet finger into an electrical circuit and get some electrical shock
theory.

Going to have to take BART to Angie’s party since the Folsom street faire is just two blocks away. Party starts at 9:30pm, **sigh** A frappuchino would help me out, but 2 blocks is too far, it would take too much energy. Hell, being right next door would be too far.

Actually, this entry is really taxing. Think that I am going to nap and try to gather some energy for later tonight.