Daily Archives: December 22, 2000

O.K. Iron Chef is on. Got to watch with Mom
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1690691
hee hee hee
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**sigh** Well, I went through the letters and memories of April. I read letters that she had writtten to me and letters that I wrote to her that were never sent. There were also tapes that were for me and a tape that I never sent to her. And of course, there was THE LETTER.
In every relationship, there is a event that is landmark for the entire relationship. For April and I, one of the major landmarks in our relationship was the letter that was written in high school. It was a defining moment in our relationship.
Well, I read the letter and the memories surroundng the whole incident returned and I had a good cry over it. Has usual, the thoughts of getting back together with April came to my mind. Heh. It was a sweet thought, even if highly unlikely. But within the writing of the past, I did find gems of wisdom in them. Too late to help me now, of course. But they are there and I think I might take some of them back with me when I leave here.
**sigh**
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While April has the memories of the past at her house where she can touch and look at them whenever she wants, mine are buried here in my parents house in a memory box locked up in a chest in the closet with the rest of my belongings. 15 min of diiging through to find the chest and another 15 min looking for the key. Now I have the memory box in front of me ready to be opened. The memory box itself has memories of The Bombay Company and the money I spent on things there for my friends and family.
I wonder if I really want to open this up. Do I really want to relive the memories. Part of me want to put the box back, but another part of me says that within the writings of the past are the answers to the future.
**sigh** Without further ado….
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so I did the coward thing and ran away. It’s interesting to note all of the other livejournalist who have run away from their problems instead of facing them. It’s nice to know that among a bunch of hypocrites, that I am not alone.
This is not comming out has I expected. In my head, I had a outline of the stuff that I wanted to say, to try to get my side of the story out. To try to get someone to understand me and why I did what I did.
But what does it matter? I’ve done what I’ve done and there is no taking it back. I willing gave up the greatest thing to happen to me in my life so far. I had someone that loved me unconditionally and I gave it up for the chance that alone I can somehow find love for myself and the strength to conquer the demons that I have.
I think that in the end the demons will finally devour what is left of me and my soul. And then all of you can have have your revenge for the pain and suffering that I have caused to Suzanne.
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
May your soul
Find the salvation
that you sorely seek.
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The thing is that she loved me so much. I honestly can’t think of anyone who has loved me has much. And although I love her, my love for her paled in comparison to the love that she had for me. And she was the only one who couldn’t see it. Should I have stayed in a relationship that was so unequal?
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Ok. so that rant was probably uncalled for. But I needed to get it off of my chest.
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so when the going got tough, I ran away. So what. The thing that pisses me off the most is all of these hypocritical people who comment on serraph’s journal about me, but they have been scarred and have run away from shit too. Half the guys have seen suzanne’s pic and just want to get in her pants. Well guess what guys, I’ve been in her pants, and guess what guys, it’s great pleasure to tough what she just teases you bastards with her pics. And most of ya’ll don’t have a chance of hell of getting in there, so why don’t ya go lurk else where.
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